Posted by: fosteringcare | July 28, 2011

Where have I been…

It seems that I was in hibernation. For quite awhile. I guess my insides told me it was Winter.

Strange that my hibernation would come just as my Chemotherapy was ENDING, I will never understand myself! May 31st was my last chemo treatment and as exciting as that should have been for me, I just didn’t feel like celebrating. No parties, no huge joy or huge relief, just the knowledge that chemotherapy was over.  Propriety or “politically correct” speaking would probably keep people from voicing that…but, not me. I should have been SOOOO grateful, yelling big “WoooHoooo”‘s, but honestly, I just didn’t feel it. Maybe that’s why the hibernation kicked in, I once again, wasn’t feeling what I thought I SHOULD be feeling. Much easier to pull away and hide then be seen as ungrateful or negative.

“Cancer changes you.” “You will never be the same.” “You will learn to appreciate all the little things.” What the heck is wrong with me?! I do not feel any of thes things yet. Is there some magic point along the way when all of a sudden it all falls into focus and I am brought to an entire new plane of existence? If there is, I sure haven’t reached it yet. When I try to cut myself a break I stop and realize that it has only been six months since diagnosis… SIX! That’s not very long, right? As a matter of fact, I wonder if I have even truly grasped the fact that I HAVE Breast Cancer, maybe I am still in denial. That sure would explain a while lot of things.

Regardless of whether or not I grasp it, this “thing” has been happening to me, to my body. My fuzzy hair is growing back, kinda like a “high and tight” right now. I am 19 treatments into Radiation, which is steadily burning my chest, I have about 14 more to go, and today I had my first “Port-flush” to be sure the port stays functional, “just in case”. They won’t remove it until at least after my first “follow-up” scans, in December… sigh. One thing I have total peace about is keeping my breasts. After getting a very renown second opinion, my treatment plan and team of doctors were affirmed, and I was told that with all of the specifics of my cancer, there is no difference in recurrence rate whether I have a mastectomy or lumpectomy & radiation. Keeping my breasts thank you very much, NO MORE SURGERIES…I did NOT want to go through that!

While I’m at it, here’s another taboo in this Fighting world of Pink…I don’t feel done. Honest, not pessimistic or speaking negativity into my life, I just plain ‘ole don’t feel done. That is NEVER heard, and I would LOVE for me to be proved wrong…someday…hhmmm, when would that be exactly?

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