Posted by: fosteringcare | May 8, 2011

Thinking about Mommy on Mother’s Day…

For obvious reasons I have been thinking about my mother today. There is no way possible that she’s been gone over 14 years already, that’s insane.

Since being diagnosed, I have thought sooo many times, “I am so glad Mommy did not live to see/know this.”  I mean that 100%  on her behalf, because I know that this would have broken her heart, I mean that 0% for myself, having my mommy alive while having to “do this”…I can’t even imagine the difference.

We lived very far away once I got married, well for the first two years, then we lived VERY CLOSE for the next two years, then very far away again for the last 3 years. Even so, whenever I lived “away” and there was ANY trouble, hard times, death, birth…she was on the next plane, seriously! Surprise boxes of goodies showed up in the mail for no good reason at all except that she was a “Clearance Shopper Addict. Whenever she saw anything that made her think of me or the kids, she bought it and sent it. So there is no telling what she would have done with this “reason”. My parents and brother may have finally moved South!

Disease is not an unknown entity with my family, my mother died from Polycystic Kidney Disease, and it was not easy, for any of us. I admire how she “did” her disease though. She fought and researched and went to conferences and read books and was IN the doctors faces… her kidneys didn’t care. Not one freaking bit. When she finally had to go on dialysis she decided on peritoneal, the kind she could do at home…  I remember driving in the car with her, as she “hooked-up” and hung the IV bag on the luggage hook on our way to lunch, or going to the City to visit Gram, or going to a Family Reunion…she was not going to let it slow her down… for as long as she could.

Her road was so bumpy, things were never quite smooth or responded as expected, and she got sad, but what an example. Psalms was the book of the Bible that she read most frequently once she was “slowed down”.  Going upstairs to bring her tea(hot) and a toasted english muffin,(with real butter, but I had to wait to let it cool down some so the english muffin wouldn’t get soggy), I would find her reading Psalms. Sometimes tears would be flowing, sometimes not. Many times she read aloud to me the one she happened to be reading. I am so humbled to remember that, I have not been so…faithful…?  I thought I would be.

Sometimes it feels like it was all some other lifetime, that she wasn’t real and it really was all a dream, but I have this 13 inch scar wrapping from my lower, left abdomen, around my side to my lower, left ribcage that tells me otherwise. She did NOT want to leave us. Oh how she did N O T want to leave us. We did not want to let her go.

At one point during the entire mess of failing kidneys, congestive heart failure and fluid filling lungs, she said to me, “Well, I always prayed that God would not let me get Cancer. Guess I should have  been a little more specific.”  As much as I would love my mommy’s soft hands rubbing my face, or her “Whiskey Tenor” singing hymns to me while I’m recovering from Chemo, I am glad she was spared this one pain.

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Responses

  1. Thank you for your posts. I love your honesty and I see your heart in all that you write. I pray you had a wonderful Mother’s day!

  2. This was a good post too. Can’t believe my Mommy has been gone 21 years now. Can’t believe that twenty years after her death from cancer, I faced my own diagnosis. I love that what your Mama said, about she should have been more specific with her prayers to God. That was awful cute. When my Mom got so thin at the end, and those who didn’t realize she was sick but thought she looked great and asked “How did you do it?” She said “The cancer diet.”

    I miss you lady.


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