Posted by: fosteringcare | April 13, 2011

“I dont want my mom to have cancer… I hate it…”

This was my first-born sons Facebook status today. My heart broke alittle.

How do I put into words the love I have for my oldest son?  Every child has their own unique place in our hearts, the place only they can fill…my son was born 14 months after my first baby died…he had a HUGE place to fill and from minute one, he has done just that. 

He has the most amazing, big, brown eyes. The very first time he looked at me with them, it seemed as though he was already wise beyond his years. So calmly he blinked those eyes, looked into mine and all was right in the world. Today those beautiful eyes were very sad. He knows how to hide it well, but not from his mommy.

Laughter, and I mean HYSTERICAL, non-sensical laughter, has been a huge part of the foundation of our home, and he was and IS renowned for his sense of humor. He and I have cracked each other up at the most inappropriate times and have lived through some ferociously hard times because of it. One slight problem with the gift of  “being funny” is that it also comes at a high price…not quite being sure of what to do with all the other emotions. As much as I have tried to tell my children that “It’s ok to cry” , only the younger two seem to believe me and practice regularly. 😉

Funny is safe. Anger is safe. Even depressed is pretty safe. Fear and sadness…not so much. They leave us vulnerable and exposed and feeling VERY out of control. I see this in him, he learned this from me.

Apparently I am now  providing him the opportunity to have to face those emotions. Oh how I pray that he does! That he faces them straight on, allowing himself feel them, to walk through them and see that he won’t be lost inside of them. It’s taken me almost 40 years to do that, and it is still something I have to work at believing …that I won’t drown in the fear and sadness, that I am not and do not have to be alone in it. For him to learn that now, so young, would be something I would be so much more proud to have taught him.

God, our belief and trust in Jesus Christ has been another HUGE part of the foundation of our home, and again, he was and IS renowned for that. He has struggled and dug deep into the Word, has lived with integrity-in-reality…meaning he is striving to live what he believes, but isn’t perfect, (I just need to make everyone think that bud, I know you really are), and has a real, true, tested faith. Now God is taking him to a whole ‘nother level. This is his Divine Interuption…his place of God saying, “Do you trust me with this one? Do you really know AND believe that I love you?” Oh how I pray he “has it out with God”, knowing that God is big enough to handle his fear and sadness and even anger…that he wrestles it out like Jacob and holds on until the blessing. Again, it’s taken me almost 40 years to get near that place, and obviously am also going to a whole ‘nother level. For him to go there now, at such a young age…another legacy I would be proud to leave.

I’m glad he hates cancer. I’m glad he doesn’t want me to have it. I hate that he has to “do this”. I pray he does.

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Responses

  1. Jane you write so beautifully. Thanks for sharing your heart today. I pray for you and for each of your family members today. I lift up your kids and pray that they share there hearts with the people around them. This is a part of there testimony and I pray God uses this experience to move others toward the Throne of God. May God Bless YOU today and Heal you tomorrow.!!!!!!

  2. I love your family as much as my own! I know the “pain” of this journey is harder on you than any of us, but we all love you so much and it effects us too… I have come to such a better place spirituallly and I think your journey has been a part of my journey in getting here. In Hebrews it says that he Marked our race.. He knows.. it’s all planned out.. He has control.. we just have to Glorify Him in wherever our journey takes us and you are doing that Beautifully!
    I love you!

  3. Hello Lady. You have been on my mind. A lot. This was a good good post, and I sure can relate. I’ve been trying to figure out how to friend you on FB since you are only on my FB blog page. Can you friend me on my personal page? Debbie Charles Clay. Dat’s me. Your tulip girl Sister friend. Miss you. Love love love


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