Posted by: fosteringcare | February 10, 2011

The New Journey…for Now.

 I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma Grade two, two weeks ago. Next week is my surgery, and so I figured I would take you along my journey.  My “journey”; this is what I’ve chosen to call it until I can come up with a word I feel encompasses the enormity of all that IS my journey.

People keep asking how I’m doing. I think I have been mostly answering “Strangely peaceful”, although I’m not sure which word has the most emphasis, “strangely”, or “peaceful”. Right now and for the vast majority of the past two weeks, I have been peaceful. Not that there hasn’t been moments of unrest, there has, I simply can’t explain the underlying peace, nor do I believe that people really want to hear it.

Pictures of a sniveling lost woman, with haunted, fear-filled eyes, looking for anyone to grab onto for strength is what I think people have conjured up in their minds, and I almost feel badly robbing them of that. It simply isn’t me.

Since an explanation of my peace in any way, shape or form that might be comprehensible to those who are asking, evades me, I believe I add the “Strangely” to my “Peaceful” to sound more “normal”. It’s like this, if I’m too peaceful then people think I am still in some stage of denial, if I’m freaked out then they think me with pity. So, saying “Strangely peaceful” gives the impression that I didn’t expect the peace, and that it definitely isn’t “normal”, but here it is, “Isn’t that STRANGE?”  Honestly a little bit of some false humility is wrapped up in there too, because all the while I’m letting them know, “Hey, I’m doing pretty darn well, if I do say so myself!”  

Granted, I am also not ignorant to the fact that I am only two weeks into my Breast Cancer diagnosis. I’m sure there’s a chart somewhere with the timeline my emotions are supposed to follow, and who knows, maybe I am exactly where we all are “supposed” to be at two weeks in! The thing is, I have never been a very good follower and I wouldn’t exactly say leader either. I am simply me, doing my own thing in and out of the followers and the leaders, usually with a few strong, brave souls who have also been inspired to do their own thing amongst the masses. It’s a very freeing, peaceful way to be. So who does know whether or not my emotions and feelings are chugging right along that expect timeline? I don’t really care. This is where I am right now.

Some things I do know are;

I have Breast Cancer.

I will do what needs to be done, go through what I need to go through and still be me when it’s over.

I know I have absolutely amazing people intentionally placed in my life from every possible area of my life.

I know I have a God that doesn’t leave me alone in the hard places, and will not leave me alone now.

Those facts bring me peace. I guess in this world that is being “Strangely peaceful”.

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Responses

  1. Thanks for letting me follow along with you on your journey. Love you, Caren

  2. Sounds like God’s anwering all our prayers about giving you his “peace that passeth all understanding”.

    Thanks for letting us watch.

    Praying. And love you!!

    Amers

  3. I love that you are sharing your journey with us because it helps us better know how to pray along side you. I lift you up today and pray that you bless others in many ways with your testimony. I pray that others see OUR GOD holding you and healing you from the inside out. I pray that this event in your life shines Christ love bright to everyone around you. As they see you -I pray that they truly see Christ living inside you and your testimony of Victory will stand forever!!! In Jesus Name I ask , Amen!!!

  4. Is. 40:31 “but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”. May you feel the love and prayers of those who love you and be lifted up, dear Sister.

  5. Great work Jane!

  6. Wow, Jane… I guess it’s good that I just treated you like always and called you for help and prayer with my needs… LOL… I love you lady and I’m so glad you can share and that you do share so much with us! I couldn’t have conjured up a better friend.. I am so so blessed by your friendship, and I am so thankful to God for you…


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